Questions like: How do we live a life of transparent freedom in the church? I feel like so many of us live in (what I call) the "shameful secrets closet." How do we come out? Why are we choosing to live isolated and apart from each other? Would the idea of living in "community" actually happen more if we weren't so ashamed of our secrets? Would we be more free to love others? Would we be less fearful of being judged by our brothers and sisters? Maybe this is what Jesus was getting at when he talked about the log and the speck?
I have been asking God these questions, but too afraid to hear the answers for many, many, years. However this year, He has infused me with boldness and courage. I have become courageous enough to sit still and let Him rip. Think of me sitting on a kitchen stool with my hands white knuckling the edges and my eyes shut so tight, I am seeing psychedelic designs. None the less, I am sitting still and quiet ready to receive whatever He has to say.
I know deep down what the answer is...and it scares the poop right out of me. In order for us to live freely, we have to come out of the shameful secrets closet. We have to come to terms with our humanity and stop judging ourselves and each other. The thought of being judged makes me want to lock myself away in my closet for 100 years! I hate that feeling of being slimed on--especially by those who are supposed to have my back.
Furthermore, we have to embrace our identity. We have to stop fighting who we are--who God says we are. We need to let the shame wash away and live in the Truth of who we are in God's eyes.
In order to embrace my identity as a daughter of the King who has been picked up out of the pit, I have to believe God is who He says He is, and what He says is ultimate Truth. If He says, I am pleasing to Him, that He loves me, that my shameful sins have been washed away by the blood, and that my old (wo)man has been crucified, then it IS. My closet is barren. There are no more shameful secrets.
By calling myself anything other than this--I am saying God is a liar. I am questioning what He says. I'm arguing with the Maker of Heaven and Earth. I'm telling Him that I'm not who He says I am. I don't think it is a good thing to call God a liar, but I think we do it every day when we refuse to accept that we are a new creation in Christ. I am not a sinner saved by grace. I am a saint who exhibits sinful behaviors. However, my behavior is separate from my identity.
Are we ready to truly love unconditionally? Are we ready to know what sinful behaviors others have struggled with, what others have gone through? Can you love beyond the sin? Can we see the new creation more than the behavior?
Are we ready to be opened up to the possible judgement of others? I can't help but think of the lady caught in adultery. Even though she didn't open her closet door on her own, the end result was judgement from her community. That's the feeling I am trying to avoid.
This story illustrates that we can't judge others cause we all have junk. The lady was in the act of having an affair when the men of the church grabbed her and took her to Jesus. They were ready to stone her to death for her sins. I love what Jesus said. He simply said that the one without sin can throw the first stone.
In the end, everyone walked away from her that day cause in reality they were no better than her. They all had sin. The only one left was the one not holding a stone. He was without sin--without blemish. His love washed over her and she was never the same.
His love has washed over me and I have never been the same. I want to live and love freely. My heart desires to see believers for who they really are--sons and daughters of the Most High. Those things I have gone through have been taken to the Father and I am FREE! Those things that you have gone through have been taken to the Father and YOU ARE FREE! We are new creations and our behavior doesn't dictate our identity.
I have dreamed of being part of a group of women who feel this way for years. To be in a safe space where everyone is open, honest and REAL. It's so very hard to find. We all have sinful pasts and many of these sins still hold us captive. It's the things we run from that still have power over us. I wonder if it's why I have been a runner for so many years. Running just feels like an escape on so many levels. I get tired of running...
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