Not mine, but Your's

All three of my kids have summer birthdays.  Each year, I take the couple days before each birthday to reflect back on their birth, their struggles, and their strengths. I have come to treasure this time and think of it as the anniversary of the day I said, "Not mine, but Yours" to the Lord.

My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. I was 22 and devastated. After spending some time grieving the loss of Simon Gad, I got pregnant again. We were elated at the thought of a baby in our house. We chose a "happy" name.  After what we just lost, we were looking for some joy.

My son, Isaac, was born in the most idyllic of situations--or so I thought.  My husband and I had recently gone through a parenting class and I was confident that we would be the perfect parents. (sighs and eye rolls now, but I was young and romantic then.)

The day after we brought our perfect little baby with 10 perfect little fingers and 10 perfect little toes home, we had to rush him back to the hospital due to an escalating fever that was reaching a critical temperature. My 3 day old underwent numerous tests including a spinal tap. I was burning with emotion and my heart was melting all over the hospital waiting room floor.

We spend the next few weeks in and out of the hospital, while the docs tried to figure out what was happening to my perfect little baby with the perfect little fingers and perfect little toes.  I remember one day in particular.

The docs filed into our hospital room and began to say things like, "We just don't know what is going on. We've run many tests and we are doing all we can. Your son may not make it." Then they filed out as robotic as they had filed in. As my son's fever was on the rise again so was my anger towards God.

I hit maximum capacity and I started silently screaming at Him. "How could you do this to me? You killed the first, and now you are taking my second? I don't know how I can follow you any longer? This isn't love!"

A very pure voice full of loving correction whispered to my soul, "Why do you think I had you name him Isaac? Put him on the altar now." I obeyed. It was the Almighty after all. Very quickly after handing my perfect little baby over to God, my anger dissipated. The Lord carried not only my son's pain but mine as well. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Even my 20 ton fear of losing another baby is light to the Divine.

No parenting book could have taught me what the Lord taught me that day. My children are a gift that God has entrusted to my care. Ultimately, they must follow Him and the path that He has for them. They are out of my grasp.  Not mine, but His.

Confessions of a People-Pleaser

 This week, I went back to the comforts of playing Church instead of being the Church! I hate it when I do this! It makes me want to scream,"counterfeit," at the top of my lungs and jump up and down yelling! The enemy is all over playing church and in being inauthentic in our relationships. He loves to see us settle with surface pleasantries instead of rolling up our sleeves and living in communion with others no matter the situation.

Playing church to me is being more concerned in the set up (wearing my Sunday best, and speaking fluent Christian-ese) than actually living life with people. When I play church, I know that I have "stuff" that people will judge me on and it is easier to close myself off and live in my dress up clothes carrying my issues camouflaged in a frilly bible cover saying, "God bless you," to those I encounter on Sunday morning.

Why would I share real life with people? I don't want to be judged. And yet, with the assumption of being judged, I am the one doing the judging! See how circular this is? Satan can get me so stuck on the hamster wheel sometimes. The whole idea of being judged chains me up to live a guarded life. I am held captive by the worry of being judged by others and myself. 

 When I voice my fears, it makes me even more mad than I was before. I know Truth! I know what the Word of God says. I know that transparent, authentic relationships form the foundation for community. I know God intends for us to live in freedom, unshackled from worry, judgement, and shame.

We all just want to be loved. We want others to not look down on us and think us weak. We want to be honored and respected but comforted when needed. My circumstances don't change my identity. What I go through brings me closer to the Father.

This morning, I confessed playing church to God and hiding from my myself and my community. My heart is unashamed once again. I am FREE!

Morning Prayer

Thank you for your redemptive love that calls us back to your side. Thank you for wooing us, pursuing us, picking us up out of the pit. Your graceful mercy is wonderful. Your redemptive love is unfathomable. I am in awe of you. Your majesty, justice, and righteousness are true. We worship you above all else. We place you in the seat of honor in our lives. There is none like you. you are the mighty King, our High Priest, who is glorified in heaven and earth.

Thank you for loving us; for calling us into communion with you. Thank you for depositing the Spirit in us to guide us to your throne room. Thank you for your gentle patience that leads us home. May our lives reflect your character. May we be filled with your love, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, and self-control. Amen

Save the ___________(fill in the blank)

When I was in middle school, I tried to save a bit of creation. The memory is a little fuzzy, but here's what I remember. My friend, Eleanor, and I began talking about animal rights. After a few conversations, we decided to make our fellow preteen colleagues aware of the plight of various animals. See we were disgusted with animal products in our makeup and hairspray (yes it was the late 80's and everyone used hairspray). We were even more disgusted with how the animals were treated before they were massacred for our vanity. We boycotted make-up and hairspray and eventually set up a table in the lunch room to raise awareness. I think we even raised a few bucks to donate to the cause.

This was my first taste of Genesis 2:15, "Then the Lord God took the man and put him into the garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it." The Hebrew word for cultivate is "abad" (Strong's H5647) which means to serve and the Hebrew word for keep is "shamar" (Strong's H8104) which means to protect.

Not only did God create Man to rule over the animals of the earth (Genesis 1:26) but He set Man up as the caretaker. We are to be in authority over creation with a caring heart. We are to cultivate the land--serve  and protect it. This is the first assignment of servant leadership that God gives to Man.

Our servant leadership of the earth never is to become idol worship of the earth. Yes, I recycle, reuse, and re-purpose.  However, my choices aren't rooted in a cause anymore. My choices are rooted in the knowledge of my position as a human in God's creation. I choose to honor Him in how I take care of His creation. I know that eventually this earth will pass away- it is under the same curse of death that we are all under, but sometimes its more about the journey then it is the destination.

A splash of color and a pinch of control

My daughters share a room and the time has come to repaint.  With 3 very different opinions, the decision in wall color has taken longer than I expected. The girls finally united their artistic vision for the room and picked perfectly tasteful shades of lime green and turquoise. I, on the other hand, was not sold on the bold color pallet. So I did what any good controlling mother would do...I firmly suggested 2 shades of neutral colors and to use the bright colors as accents on the bedding.

After the conversation, I felt like the biggest pile of poop! Here these girls had picked perfectly fine colors for THEIR bedroom and I had gone and rerouted the whole project into what I wanted. Hopes were dashed and creativity was thrown out the window. Feeling a little selfish afterwards, I started talking to God about it. "Why do I want  THEIR room to be MY way? Why can't I give this to them, and let them decorate the way they want to?"

When the kids were small, I would pick out everything, their clothes, hairstyle, sippy cups, etc...But now, they are starting to put some tension on those good old apron strings and my reaction is to give a good pull and drag them back to my hip. Sadly, Control has felt at home here with me, to the point that it has left its dirty towels on the bathroom floor for me to pick up.

Anyway, I have decided to relent and go with them on their choice. Control is again feeling like an unwelcome guest and not a part of the family. I don't know when the room will actually get painted, but I am at peace with myself and my daughters. My kids have held the mirror of self-reflection up for me to see again. Each time, I just have to run to the Father and ask why I do what I do. I am eternally grateful that He loves me and has enough patience for me as I work out my issues with Him.

It feels like such a long journey sometimes...

Productivity

Today was supposed to be a productive day. I had every intention of crossing off at least 5 items on my to-do list. But, here I sit at a quarter to 5 with nothing crossed off. In fact, I thought of 3 things just in the last 10 minutes that I should add to my list!

Ever have days like this?  Ever have a life like this? When I was young and my intentions weren't ripe, but  a deep shade of green, I pictured my life looking very different than it is now. I thought I would live somewhere else, have more kids, and twirl on a mountain top singing ( in tune) at the top of my lungs something about the hills being alive with the sound of music.

I have realized as I have begun to ripen a little in wisdom that where I am is exactly where I am supposed to be. The milestones and trials that I have experienced have made me who I am today. I wouldn't give up what I have lived through. I wouldn't say that it was an unproductive life according to the to-do list. Rather, I have been blessed in the unexpected. I have come to count it all joy. I can say I am content in the daily rhythms that make up my life.

Even today, a non-productive day, according to the to-do list, has been just what it was supposed to be. A day full of time with my kids, a visit with my parents, and talking with the Lord about everything under the sun. Today was productive.

Are you right where you are supposed to be? Are you content where God has you? Can you look back and see where God has brought you and where He is taking you? Have you stopped to talk with Him today?